I saved this quote to my pinterest board a while ago. I've been thinking about exactly that lately and then I saw it when browsing through my boards and felt like doing a blog post about itA lot of times I feel guilty when I feel sad or overwhelmed or stressed out and voice those feelings. I"ve felt this way as long as I can remember. Guilt seems to be a constant companion for me.
I know it's good to realize the blessings we have when things are hard. There are always blessings and there will always be people who have more difficult struggles than me. For some reason, for me, it feels like if I complain/vent about things I should feel guilty. It's like my complaining is diminishing someone elses struggles.
However, it's natural to feel things and want to have those feelings validated. You don't want to do it to the point of it being unhealthy or all consuming. But, don't you think you should be able to say, "I'm having a hard time and it stinks."? I think so. It's okay for people to vent and others to say, "Yeah, that totally stinks!" I don't think validating means enabling.
Our feelings are real and hopefully we feel like we can share then and not be told, in so many words, that we have no right to complain. Don't we all have the right to feel?
Hopefully this isn't making me seem like I don't care about others struggles, only my own. That's not it. I just have real struggles and I've realized I should feel safe to talk about them without someone always saying, "Well at least....fill in the blank."
You don't want to let someone wallow in pity forever but you can validate them then lift them up right?
I've been guilty plenty of times of not validating other struggles.
I had a friend once tell me why she just couldn't serve in primary. Life was busy, she was pregnant and other things.
At that same time I was serving in the primary, pregnant and my husband was a busy scoutmaster who was gone a lot. As she was sharing this with me I remember thinking, "Look at me....I'm in primary, pregnant, with a husband who is gone all the time. Why are you even complaining?"
Now, that is an example of what I shouldn't have thought. I should have been thinking, "I totally understand your feelings. That would be hard."
This whole post is probably a ramble and hopefully it makes sense.
Basically, I wanted to say that it's okay to feel things. It's okay to vent and be met with some sympathy and validation rather than things like....
"Been there, done that. Just suck it up."
"People have it a lot worse."
"You have no room to complain."
It would be better to hear things like.
"I totally get that. I've been there and it's hard. Hang in there!"
I feel like when your always compared to people having it worse it's like saying, "You have no right to complain, at least your not or don't have to....fill in the blank.
I do sympathize with others who are struggling, I really do. I know I am blessed. Sometimes I struggle and want to be able to feel and share my feelings and not feel guilty for doing so. It doesn't mean I don't care or understand that their are others whose struggles are more difficult than mine. It's just that my struggles are real to me.
We should all feel safe to share and not be judged or told to get over it because it could be worse.
I hope that I can be someone who others feel like they can share feelings and struggles with and be met with sympathy.
5 comments:
Those pic's on the side are absolutely wonderful Rachelle. They look so awesome. I love the 'new' look.
It's always this tough balance isn't it. Always a line that you need to figure out where to NOT cross.
You have 'real' feelings, but don't wanna come across to people as a complainer.
I just read a quote from Elder Scott that said 'Everyone has problems, no one wants to hear about yours'
I was laughing and laughing at that quote cause, in a way, it's SO TRUE.
I think we have to be careful who we share out complaints to and make sure it's a 'safe' place first so that we know they have our best interests at heart right? Then we'll feel validated but lifted from the right friends and not shut down straight away. I also think this is another reason why we're told to serve so much, as we serve we realize we're not the only people with problems and then tend to not wallow in our own ones for too long.
I think we're allowed to feel sorry for ourselves every now and then, but then we have to figure out how to pick ourselves up, whatever that is..............if things are constantly a struggle then things need to change, and only you can make that happen and make the initial move towards happiness.
I definitely need to feel validated in my complaints but then figure out a way to move forward and be grateful. I think that's the key, not to wallow for copious amounts of time, because then it's a problem and will be effecting your life in a negative way.
I agree in a lot of ways, we do have a right to hurt when things are hard. We definitely have the right to vocalize it and not be met with criticism. I also agree with your friend Melissa that we don't need to complain constantly about our hardships either, it just brings others down as well as ourselves.
One thing I remember most about you Rachelle is that you were always very uplifting and positive. Not free of struggles, but still uplifting to those around you! I still think about that when I'm faced with a friend who is complaining nonstop.
I just taught a YW lesson on the Atonement and we watched a Mormon Message about a girl who found out as a teen that she couldn't eat food anymore and had to take her nutrition through a feeding tube. One main thing we took from that lesson is that each of us may never experience something as difficult as that girl but it doesn't mean that our trials and struggles are not difficult to each of us individually and that's why the atonement is available to all. To use that enabling and strengthening power and make up for where our mortal selves leave off.
I was almost in tears last night because the stake YM President asked our ward to help another ward be in charge of a stake dance in 2 weeks and I was feeling so overwhelmed thinking "I'm YW president with enough on my plate, I'll be 7.5 months pregnant and that night is my anniversary, NO THANKS!" But we go to bed, get some rest and wake up ready to serve where asked.
Okay, I've rambled way too long lol!!
I just read that quote "Everyone has problems, no one wants to hear about yours" too. At first I thought it was harsh, and it stung a little, but it is also true...
Everyone has a favorite topic, and that is themselves. I think that might be why blogs and social media forums are so popular. People have an outlet for expressing their own views and feelings. People used to be much more silenced, and views were kept in the home, or harbored inside, rather than broadcasted for the world to see. It has really changed things a lot. Especially relationships.
If you think about the people you like to be around it is not people who are constantly talking about themselves, but rather asking questions about how you are doing/feeling. When you are interested in others feelings/ask how they are doing it makes them feel good, loved, and cared about. It is not always easy to do, especially if you feel like crud. Blogs/social media can kind of skew relationships, too. At least that is something I have noticed.
Anyway, I'm getting off-topic… I get what you are saying about expressing feelings, it is hard to be 100% positive ALL the time! Especially when things are not always peachy. But I have noticed if I add complaining to difficult situations, it generally makes things worse, not better. It actually takes an extreme effort sometimes for me to express positive when I am feeling negative. I am not very good at it. Sometimes it is good to share negative feelings, but sometimes it is better to rise above them, if possible. (I am preaching to myself here.)
About the friend who said she could not serve in primary for certain reasons -- everyone handles things in different ways. What is hard for one person, may be easy for another. Pregnancy is a perfect example of that. Some people glide through it, or handle it well, while others barely make it through the day, each day. You just never know what people are going through, you may see something bright and shiny on the exterior, and never know the inner struggles a person is facing. We can be too hard on our fellow volunteers in the church. We just never know what people suffer, or why they say no to callings, etc. We never know the inner demons people struggle with.
I think that is why it is best not to compare, or judge our hardships with others. I think about that a lot as we live in our tiny house, I think about the people who have nothing, and how grateful I should be for what I have. Some have more than me, some have less. I can complain about our situation (which I do sometimes) or I can dig deep and find gratitude somewhere in the caverns of my heart. It is up to me how I respond to my feelings. Sometimes I respond by doing the right thing, and other times I respond to my feelings by eating ice-cream.
I think the key is empathy, love, and service, when trying to understand the feelings of others. When we stop the comparing it makes it a lot easier to love. There is no reason to compare. We are all just trying to get to Heaven after all.
Thanks for the comments. It's good to be able to have safe people to share our feelings with. We can have our short moments of, "This is hard" and then count our blessings and keep going.
Marsha-Congratulations on your pregnancy! Do you know what your having...maybe a girl?:) I'm glad that you felt I was uplifting and positive. It's hard to see that in myself but I'm glad you felt that way around me. It is definitely something I strive and wish to be.
Why does it not surprise me that your the YW president? :) You are a wonderful person and I'm sure the girls love you. Do you sing much in your ward? That's one of my first memories of you. You sang at an enrichment, one of the first I went to after we moved in. You had a beautiful voice and a light that shined. I knew I'd like you right off. Sometimes I think of you guys and miss hanging out. It was fun while you were here. Good luck with the baby. You'll have to post about that on your blog...if you can find the time. It sounds pretty busy for you right now. Tell Shawn the Harlin's say hello. :)
I'm late to the comment section, but I enjoyed your post.
Once I expressed guilt for complaining about my own health problems, when I know others have it worse than me. The person I was talking to replied, "It never helps me to try to be grateful for what I have or think my problems are less than anyone else's. It does help me to think my problems are important and worth working on."
Of course we should still try to have compassion for others while we try to work out our own issues.
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