I wanted to share the details of the day our friend died and some from the weeks that followed. First I will share a little background into our relationship with the Van Ormer family.
The Van Ormers moved into our ward the same year we did, probably within six months of us, if I remember right. Eventually Mari and I were put together as visiting teaching companions. I liked her right off. We had many things in common, yet were different too. We shared a love of music. We sang together in church several times and had plans to sing again before Charles passed away. Mari has a beautiful voice and I was happy she wanted to sing with me because my voice wasn't as polished or experienced.
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| Tyson, Charles and the kids(Before babies #4) |
We had kids the same age that got along. Tyson and Charles hit it off right away. Over the years we did a lot together with our families. When our kids were younger Mari and I would sometimes get together and chat and sing while the older kids were at school. Tyson and Charles would run off and do things with the boys. They'd swim at the YMCA, build derby cars, and more. They were planning a backpacking trip with the boys for later this summer. Tyson LOVED to be with Charles. He considered him his best friend. They would often have lunch together and just talk about life, the stresses they were feeling, their dreams, anything they felt like. Charles was a true confidant for Tyson. He misses that.
We would do a lot as families too. We'd have late, late nights were the kids would run around like crazy while we chatted and Tyson and Charles would strum on their guitars in the warm summer heat. We would have Halloween parties and trick or treat together. We had Christmas dinner at our house one year and talked about how we felt like we were each others family away from family. We enjoyed the Van Ormers and were so grateful for there friendship.
Our friend Charles passed away on April 1, 2014. Here is how the day went for us.
That morning I got a call from my friend Mari. She told me she was in the ER and that Charles didn't have a pulse...they were working on him. I couldn't wrap my head around that. I remember saying in disbelief, "What does that mean?" She was not frantic. I'm pretty sure the adrenaline was keeping her in that survival mode that seems to keep you from falling apart at the height of a situation like that.
She asked me if I could come and get her nursery age son Henry or find someone who could keep him as long as needed. It was clear that nothing else I could do that day was more important than helping my friend. She also asked me if I could call Tyson to come to the hospital or another bishopric member if Tyson couldn't. Her husband Charles is one of Tyson's closest friends. I told her Tyson would be there. I called him and he dropped whatever he was doing at work and raced to the hospital.
When I arrived at the hospital, I left my car in the drop off zone at the ER doors and hurried inside to get Henry. Tyson had arrived by this point and was with Mari. When I went to the front desk they called back to let Mari know I was there. She came out with Tyson and Henry.
Mari was keeping it together. I remember her saying she felt like she was in the twilight zone. For me that whole day seemed unreal and dreamlike. I can't even begin to imagine what is was like for her. I couldn't imagine Charles being in the position he was in, it seemed impossible. How could this really be happening? I gave Mari a hug and she said to me, "It's not looking good." I remember thinking, "No, it will be alright. Charles will be okay." I couldn't think of it going any other way. Mari handed Henry over and Tyson went out to the car with me. I tried to get some more info from Tyson at that point but there wasn't much.
As I was heading home I was feeling shaky and anxious and fighting back tears. I remember praying over and over again, "Please let him be alright! Please let him be alright!" I kept thinking of their kids and what they would learn after they got out of school. The plan was to have the lady that Mari carpools with take them to my house after school. I was nervous about how that would go. What would I tell them? How would they take it?
Tyson called me later and asked me to call the bishop and let him know what was going on. He also told me that when the kids got home Mari didn't want them to be told much details. Just that Charles was at a doctors. By this point he was in critical condition. They had gotten back a faint pulse and put him on life support machines. They thought it might be a blood clot in his lung, which ended up being true.
I called the bishop and the other counselor in the bishopric. Both didn't answer and I had to leave messages. It was so hard to keep my emotions in check at this point. I cried partway through the message to the bishop. I started receiving other calls from people asking what was going on, what Mari needed, etc. Every time I tried to tell them what was going on I would cry. I couldn't believe this was real.
Tyson stayed at the hospital for a while and then went back to work. There were others there with Mari by that point. I was anxious throughout the whole day wondering what was going on and what, if any progress. In my mind I kept thinking he would be okay and it would just be a long recovery but he would pull through. I knew Mari's parents were going to be getting there that day and I imagined them being with the kids in the days that followed while Mari was at the hospital with Charles. I really thought that's how it would be.
The kids came over after school as planned. I knew that Tyson was going to go back to the hospital after he got off work at 4:00. As time wore on I kept wondering how Charles was and when Tyson would be home. I got pizza for the kids and they were all joking around and chatting with my kids. I remember at one point feeling the tears stinging my eyes as I looked at them knowing there world would be rocked in a little while. In that moment I thought it would be when they found out their dad was in critical condition. At that point he had passed away, which I didn't know. It was good I didn't know because I would have had a hard time not being emotional. Time kept ticking by for what seemed like forever and I started to feel more anxious, wondering when Tyson would be home and what was going on with Charles.
Finally, around 5:30/6ish Tyson came home. I was upstairs and heard him come in and say, "Come on kids, I'm going to take you home." As I walked down the stairs I could see Tyson's face and I knew Charles had passed away. His eyes were tearing up as he looked up at me and mouthed the words, "He passed." I couldn't believe it. I was completely shocked. I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes but held it together so the kids wouldn't know. It was so hard not to cry as I saw them getting their shoes and backpacks on all smiles, like any other day. It broke my heart to know they were going home to find their dad had passed away.
I took Henry's seat out to Tyson's car and hurried back inside. As soon as the door shut behind me I started sobbing uncontrollably . I kept saying "Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it!" over and over again. Kaleb asked me what was wrong. I tried to catch my breath and slow the sobs enough to tell them what happened. I had them come to the family room and told them. Kaleb started crying. He kept asking, "Why did he have to die? Why can't it be someone else." I told him that Heavenly Father loves all his children. Heavenly Father had other plans for Charles. I told him if it was someone else there family and friends would be sad like this too.
When Tyson got home we spent most of the evening sitting around, hugging, crying, and talking about Charles. At this point Matt didn't show much emotion. I think he was extremely uncomfortable with all the crying. He doesn't like to show his emotions or even feel them sometimes. It makes him feel uncomfortable. I wondered what he was thinking behind the mask he put on. He kept saying, "We know he's okay. He's in heaven." The next morning we were talking about it and he said he didn't want to talk about it because it made him too sad. Later at the funeral the feelings he tried to bury came out. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him wiping his eyes a lot and his lashes were wet with his tears.
That evening, on the day that Charles passed away, Tyson had us all gather together and he shared some thoughts and memories of Charles. He also pulled out his scriptures and a hymnal. He shared a verse from "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good".
What greater gift dost Thou bestow?
What greater goodness can we know
Then christlike friends whose gentle ways,
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
Charles was one of those friends. Our life was enriched for knowing him.
That night Kaleb slept with us. He could not stop crying. As he was crying he kept talking about different memories with Charles. Finally he fell asleep and Tyson put him on our floor for the night. Tyson and I both slept terrible that night.
There were tears shed off and on and a lot of tossing and turning. Part of it was feeling the loss of a friend and part of it was our hearts breaking for his family. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I felt terrible when I thought about it too much.
The next few days were pretty emotional for Tyson and I both. Thoughts of Charles and his family were all consuming for us. Tyson stayed home the day after it all happened because he knew he would be worthless at work feeling the way he did.
The ward had sent out an email letting people know Mari couldn't bear to see anyone during that time. As her friend I wanted to see her so badly. The last I had seen her was that day at the hospital when I picked up Henry. I wanted to run over to her house to see her and hug her and cry with her. There were times I came close. But, also as her friend I wanted to respect her wishes of not seeing anyone. I dropped a few things off the next several days and just left them on her doorstep. I came close to knocking but decided to wait to see her till the funeral service/life celebration.
The life celebration was a week later. Tyson had been asked to speak. He was glad to do it because he loved Charles. The week leading up to that he spent a lot of time quietly pondering and thinking about Charles. I could tell when he was thinking of him. He would be sitting on the couch or something like that and looked like he was in a far off place. I could see the tears welling in his eyes. I knew in those moments he was thinking of his friend. He loved him and had an endless amount of respect for him. Tyson truly felt he was one of the greatest men. He was able to go to the temple early in the morning the day of the service. I think it was nice for him to be in such a peaceful place where he could feel the spirit and be reminded of why we are here on this earth and that families are forever.
The Life Celebration was wonderful. By this point life for us had gone to the normal routine. That day I was feeling fine, mostly. I was anxious to go to Charles funeral and hear what was said about him. I knew it would be good and uplifting. However, on the drive there I started to feel emotional. Tyson and I both shed some tears as we drove to the church.
When we walked in, the foyer was so beautiful. Charles and Mari were trek parents a few years ago and they had the motto, "Courage to Continue". They made a flag that they took on their trek. There was a table in the foyer that was covered in burlap and had their trek family flag with their motto hanging from the table. They had Charles cowboy boots, hat and guitar set up on the table. They had family pictures and a tv set up with a video they made with a bunch of pictures of Charles from his life and with his family.
As I walked in it hit me hard. The tears started flowing and I couldn't seem to control them. I turned my back trying to find a place to hide...mostly behind Tyson. It took me a few minutes to compose myself before I could go into the chapel. I sat behind our RS president and we talked a moment while I shed a few more tears. I know it was okay but I was really embarrassed at my lack of control in the beginning. I was a little nervous to see Mari. Every time I thought of seeing her I could feel the tears. I didn't want to be a blubbering mess and make her uncomfortable. I did see Mari out in the foyer before it began. I was able to give her a hug and cried as expected, but not too much.
All the boys attending, that were scouts, were asked to wear their scout shirts. Charles was a scout leader/YM leader for several years. He was currently serving as the Webelos leader when he passed away. The scouts were asked to stand, lined up, in front of the pulpit giving the scout salute as Charles family came in. Matt and Kaleb were able to be a part of that. It was one of the highlights of the service for me...truly touching.
Another highlight was the YM in our ward singing Called to Serve. It was a comfort to be there. The week leading up to this was sad and depressing. We know Heavenly Fathers plan to be true. We know Charles family will see him again. But, it still felt pretty depressing for a while. Being at the funeral and listening to people talk about Charles was much needed. There was lots of laughing and smiling amidst the tears. It was an uplifting, hopeful meeting. Tyson did a great job, all the speakers did.
At the end, before the bishop's closing remarks, Mari came up and bore her testimony. It was powerful! She is amazing. She has also been blogging some of her thoughts. They are a true testimony to her unshakable faith in our Heavenly Father's plan and eternal families. In the midst of her suffering she is testifying and it is strengthening and lifting others up who read her words. You can follow her blog here. www.vanormerview2.blogspot.com.
This picture of Mari and I was taken in Idaho City. This is where Charles was buried. It was a beautiful, peaceful place. I'm so glad Mari and her kids will have a special place like this to go and be together and think of their dad. It couldn't be more of a perfect spot for Charles. The drive up there was so peaceful and being there, listening to the wind blowing through the pines, was therapeutic.
This time has been sad and emotional for our family. We've never experienced anything like this. It's also been a time to reflect on our life here on this earth and Heavenly Fathers plan for his children. It's strengthened our testimony of life after death, of eternal families, of Heavenly Father's awareness of us during our suffering. As my friend blogs I can see the many tender mercies the Lord is blessing her family with. To see that in action is amazing and faith building.
What would we do without the gospel? What would we do without the knowledge of a Savior who has felt our sorrows and suffering? He knows exactly how to succor us because he has experienced all our burdens firsthand. He can provide us with that healing balm we need. He can help us to become who our Heavenly Father knows we are as we draw near unto him.
My friend Mari will do great things...she already is! Charles is doing great things. I know they will be reunited. I know Charles is still a part of his families life. They feel him close and I'm so happy for that tender mercy they have.
As I said before this experience has left a lasting impression on our family. Charles Van Ormer has left a lasting impression on our family. His wife and children continue to leave a lasting impression on everyone they know and even those they don't who read Mari's blog.
We know Mari and her children will see Charles again. They will be reunited someday. We know we will see Charles again too.
As President Uchtdorf said, "There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."
Till we meet again Charles Van Ormer...thank you to you and your family for blessing our lives.
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| Tyson and Charles chatting on a greenbelt walk...good friends. :) |
2 comments:
This is a beautiful post Rachelle thanks man. Those pictures are wonderful. How beautiful are the both of you? Love it and love you.
Thank you. This is beautiful. I love that picture with Charles, Tyson, and the kids. It is perfect.
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